The Mad Aardvark

Critical commentary on culture…

Archive for July, 2008

Indy 4 is Worst … For Science

Posted by madaardvark on July 25, 2008

Yahoo made a top ten list of the worst science in movies with scientific themes and Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull was number 10 (the worst because they start at number one and count up).  This is mostly based on the atomic bomb scene more than unlikely aliens, but I’m still happy.

I had a post elsewhere on the web, reprinted here, listing several reasons why I hated that movie.  Hate. Hate. Hate.


(originally written Sunday, June 22, 2008)

To anyone reading this: if you enjoyed that movie then I hate you.

Here is a nice list of things in (mostly) chronological order that pissed me off about that movie:

1. CGI groundhogs are stupid and useless. Use real groundhogs.

2. Opening does not fill me with a sense of wonder of exotic places.

3. Cruising teenagers vs. military. Dumb scene and pointless. Why were the kids out there in the first place and where did they go when the atomic bomb went off?

4. Area 51? You’ve got to be kidding me. Lame.

5. Russians make poor substitutes for Nazis.

5. Magnetism doesn’t work that way.

6. So-called homage to Raiders is actually a message that the first three movies should be forgotten. I hate.

7. Where are all the other super refridgerators that can survive atomic bombs?

8. Forced iconic imagery (of Indy and an Atomic Bomb) because the story doesn’t matter, only visual effects.

9. CIA hadn’t been invented yet. Why is an aging archeologist in the CIA anyway?

10. Fuck that kid from Transformers.

11. Exposition never felt like exposition in the other movies.

12. Crystal Skulls, mental telepathy, government conspiracies. Retarded.

13. The commies are after you so you fly to Cuba first? In 1957? Brilliant.

14. Who are the skull mask warriors? Where did they come from and where did they go?

15. Just carve open archeological finds for no reason, especially the body of a Conquistador. Nice field work, Jones. Oh, one was open already?  Woops!  I guess we carved that other one up for no reason!


17. More mind control powers, crystal skulls, and pseudo-science TRUTH bullshit.

18. They blow up the road making machine first. How the hell do they drive through the rainforest now? Wouldn’t it be easier to go on foot?

19. CGI monkeys. See my first note. And monkeys would KILL YOU. This is another dig from the pseudo-scientists against evolution. Because as pseudo-scientists know, science, anthropology, and archeology is always wrong. Thank you for making Indiana Jones’s life work illigitimate again.

20. Tarzan. This is the closest thing we get to Indiana Jones using his bullwhip for the rest of the movie. Sad.

21. Fencing is important to me. I’ll let people enjoy movie-style sword fighting but in light of the other crap I felt inclined to bitch about this too.  Sword fighting involves some footwork, moving around, and would be nigh-impossible on a moving jeep.  Oh, and I’m supposed to believe this drop-out who took a couple of fencing classes can hold his own against a trained sword fighter and seasoned killer?

22. Ancient culture still alive and well in the amazon. That I can deal with. They just didn’t seem as threatening as the warriors at the beginning of Raiders.  And flying rocks and bolos are deadlier than CGI ants.

23. How did the Conquistador thieves leave things the way they were before they got there? Why didn’t they steal gold and artifacts from the alien archeologists? How do you steal a skull from a room that needs a skull to get into it?

24. Fuck space aliens and their granted knowledge. As though early humans couldn’t figure out farming and irrigation. And also thank you for the idea that knowledge can only be gained spiritually. Idiots.

25. Super magnet telepathic skull would pretty much stay where it is when Spaniards yanked on it. Wouldn’t they be able to melt their brains like they did the commie chick with the fluctuating accent?
I also forgot to mention the most important part of suckage in this movie: 13 aliens. Anyone who has heard pseudoscience alien/religion statement can tell you that this refers to the 12 tribes of Israel plus the thirteenth “lost tibe” that would become the Native Americans. A big reoccurring theme among pseudoscientists and an insult to both archeology and religion. In the end, Jesus was an alien. Which also makes the previous THREE MOVIES totally illigitimate, as I suggested with the Arc reference at the beginning of the movie. To remind us all that THAT WAS A RADIO TO TALK TO ALIENS!

26. Ancient civilization still surviving that the aliens helped create is wiped out by the aliens leaving. So the Nazis killed all the warriors. What about women and children? And why would aliens do that if they wanted to give knowledge to humans in the first place?  None of this makes sense.  And let’s not forget the comment about “erasing the fingerprints of the gods” just to hit us with the Grahm Hancock “theory” of aliens establishing human culture. To hell with all of it.

27. Iconic imagery again of Indy and a spaceship. Fuck you, Spielberg. Fuck you, Lucas.

I’m sure I forgot or blocked some things out. Feel free to remind me.

I can’t watch Raiders now without thinking the arc is a radio to talk to crystal skull aliens that melts Nazis with too much knowledge. And no more kids will be inspired to become archeologists by these movies unless they want to find aliens. Science has again suffered a horrible wound.

Posted in movies, pseudo-science | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

The Mad Aardvark under arrest

Posted by madaardvark on July 24, 2008

Someone suggested that I do Vlogging with my daughter, or do a MOG (which I had to Google to find out that meant music log).  It’s funny that it was brought up…

I had this dream several years ago where I did an audio track under the alias “The Mad Aardvark” (hence the name of the blog) that encouraged people to start one-man riots everywhere.  It became a national epidemic, and eventually everyone was wondering who the Mad Aardvark was.  Pretenders tried to take credit, but eventually the police tracked me down.  The dream actually started there, with a cop (my dream cast Denzel Washington in the role) came to my dorm room and arrested me (this dream happened long after I left the dorms, though).  He was pretty cool about everything and let me release a video montage of various television things that was supposed to accompany the audio and made it much less suggestive of violence, before he arrested me.  We hoped for either a not guilty verdict or an early release from prison.

I wish I could remember anything about the audio or the video from my dream besides this one thing: in the video I included a clip from a dream-conjured commercial for Pilsburry cake mix, where some guy makes a shitty cake for his wife and drops it on the floor after all his hard work.  The pile of cake and frosting turns into a claymation scene of the Pilsbury Doughboy holding a cake shapes like a heart.  For some reason that commercial made me go off on something about marketing and subliminal messages, and happened during a more violent outburst on the audio track. 

There was a time when I would encourage one-man riots.  I liked the idea of one person giving into their frustration at how they’re being led around on a leash and engaging in random mayhem, vandalism, cursing, etc.   As a national trend I thought that would make an impact better than protests, or mob mentality riots, or these single-shooter catastrophes.  Just perfectly sane people pissed off and showing it for a change. 

Don’t let them force-feed you mediocrity and tell you their shit tastes like chocolate mousse.  Everything we consume in this culture is designed to numb your senses and make you care less about the fact that you have nothing left to care about.  Don’t just sit there.  Get up, do something, activate yourself.

Posted in america, poetry | Leave a Comment »

Ka-chunk! Ka-chunk! Hey, man, take a vacation!

Posted by madaardvark on July 24, 2008

So the other day at this craptastic Summer job I have, someone stuck their hand into one of the machines.  The factory makes cheap plastic containers for all kinds of things, like cell phones and jello salad.  Anyway, they had to reach past two protective guards to do it, which are there to remind you not to stick your damned hand into the machine.  Well, some parts were jammed up, causing some problems on the machine, and instead of calling for one of the quality inspectors or technicians to come fix the problem, she reached in to pull the jamed parts out.  She went to the hospital, two fingers being split open to the bone at the knuckles.

On the one hand (ha!) I have no remorse for someone who’s going to squeeze past two layers of guard rails (marked in yellow with CAUTION written on them in red) and get injured.  On the other hand, the job is a tedious, mind-numbing one, and last week I had masochistic thoughts of shoving my hand into the thing.  Luckily, I’m a complete wuss, so I’m still accident free.

Today they put me on a machine that the technicians didn’t want to hook a part sorter up to.  It was moving too fast for three people to work on it (most machines have only two people, or one if it’s slow enough), so the sorter went on anyway.  The technician was so pissy that he didn’t put on the guard rail.  A day or two after a hand injury on the same machine.  Idiot.

And now, for your enjoyment, here’s the Kids in the Hall sketch that was running through my head all last week while I was packing cell phone charger packages.

Posted in america, summer jobs | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

American Dining

Posted by madaardvark on July 23, 2008

The way we Americans consume life disgusts me.

Handfulls of ketchup-soaked small pleasures are mangled up between our gnashing molars and swallowed, leaving dark red smears across cheeks and chins. 

As a main course, lifestyle is overloaded with extras that cover up the taste of government surplus meat.  Each bite almost too large to fit between unhinged jaws, we choke too often and our words are muffled by bulging cheeks and pursed lips spitting bits of bread.

The American thirst is unquenchable, since each 32 ounce cheap plastic cup is filled with a product designed to encourage refils.

Napkins are free.  Shirts and unbuttoned jeans are otherwise ruined from careless dripping that stains. 

And then we wonder why we feel sick, regretful, ashamed, but proud of our accomplishments in excess, and already looking forward to the next big meal.

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First Post – Potter and Batman, I hate you.

Posted by madaardvark on July 22, 2008

This post begins yet another experiment with blogging.

I started a blog a while ago that didn’t go very far.  People I had been talking to insisted that the Harry Potter books had “more depth” than Charles Dickens, so I tried to read them side-by-side.  For every chapter of A Tale of Two Cities, I read two chapters of the first Harry Potter book.  I only managed two posts before I gave up.  I couldn’t get through the third chapter of Harry Potter.  I’m so glad that last book finally came out, because the trend has already started to die out and I’m getting a little happier about that.

Unfortunately, the masses have been acclaiming The Dark Knight, hypnotized by flashy special effects and wild visuals.  Unfortunately, the writing is terrible, the dialogue is rediculous, and the characters are poorly motivated.  What I hate most is that the film is pretty accurate to the comic books, post 1998, and fanboys won’t let me forget that when I point out the irritating problems.  I don’t care how accurate it is, I’d rather see the Joker motivated by something other than, “I’m crazy, so there.”  Nicholson’s Joker was nuts, and it was a character I could believe existed.  Ledger might put on a good performance, but I just can’t take him as seriously as Nicholson.  But what do I know?  Nothing is scarier right now than child molesters and terrorists with no motivation, so let’s throw those two together with clown makeup.

Posted in books, movies | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »